Eleven up and one over, you simple bitch. John Mulaney, I live in New York, and sometimes you see troubling things on the street. When you get there, you gotta get out like, All right, Im home. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters. Mike Lawrence, I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. Tire-less. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. Im a super quirky, 30+ year native New Yorker who wants to share the total awesomeness that is New York travel with you. NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. 26. 15. Sometimes, these NYC puns and New York jokes are so over-the-top bad that theyre actually good. 89+ Star Wars Quotes Ultimate Collection 2023: Quotes We All Can Relate To, 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! There you have it! "Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone." 34. You know, just taking cheesy selfies in New York. 92. You can always tell whos raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. You feel sorryfor the dog. Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers . The street art in New York is very ad-mural-able. My lips are sealed, bro. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. He was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home? And I was like, No, Im good. Hes like, Are you sure? I was like, No, I got it, thanks. And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, Hey Miss, this is for you. And I was like, No. And then I kept walking all the way home. $5.00. I cant go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! Does anyone need to use the bathroom? Its like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first. Mitch Hedberg, I love New York. RECOMMENDED: New York comedy 2012 Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit. Caroline Rhea, One day there was four innocent people shot. By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy and to receive email correspondence from us. What did you expect from a city that never sleeps? In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. I do that on Tinder every day., 22. Where you wanna go, 35th and Sixth? Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City?, 43. Bookworms. Is there a differences between New York Giants fans andTrump supporters? Oh, this is your neighborhood now? Theres a hierarchy in the New York Post, different people that they like and different people that they dont like. To wake up oily. I dont think things could get any Bleeker. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment, he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings, waiting for a fireman to cut him loose. John Oliver, Everybody in New York has lost their minds. How do the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges communicate? For more laughs, check our food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious! 31. Half of them say fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying Never forget. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. Heck yeah you do! No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab., 85. In Los Angeles, everything has become a corn dog. When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time. Many people already bank on it. Saul Bellow, New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature. Thomas Jefferson, New Yorkers realize its a filthy hole. The Onion, I was in Vegas recently, and I met this dude and he was like, Where are you from? and I said, New York City Hes like, Aw, man. Why are we stoppin? As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. We already have this email. This post may contain affiliate links. To park in handicap spaces., 99. 40. Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. New Yorkers confuse me Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. You actually take fashion seriously. Find more hilarious funny new york city jokes here. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? 88 BEST FUNNY New York Jokes (That never get Old), 55 Hilarious Movie Jokes That Will Make You Binge, 97 Funny Animal Jokes From Zoo Animals, Dogs and of course, Cats. The New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason? A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. The guy was very rude. And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cow in the kitchen." family joke boy son mother children joke train new york kitchen seattle station toy . Go Bills!, 94. 64. This little piggy went to the Brooklyn Flea Market. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? In New York, vegan puns are always super corn-y. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? Think about that, thats true. Jamal, They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. Things you buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission. 90. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. In New York, thats from building to building. Holler! So, stop for 2.5 seconds and do something nice for yourself by reading through this awesome New York puns now. A: So they can park in handicap spaces. . And, as if by magic, instead of breaking apart, the car hits the ground and . Here are the best jokes , and at the end, the winners. Well here are things that you should learn and can joke about the locals. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. But theres no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. Craig Ferguson, You dont really drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke or homeless or if youre broke and driving the cab. Jay Mohr, Beverly Hills is very exclusive. Like Soho. Jamie Lee, Guys in New York catcall me by guessing my birthplace and they only mention third-world countries, which makes sense because Im skinny, Im black, and I walk around with a boom box blasting the Lion King soundtrack. Phoebe Robinson, I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. There are so many ways to die here. Denis Leary, In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. The streets are numbered! The guy was very rude. Looking for the best New York jokes that deal with life in the city? Please add a link to this article. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village., 82. In a bag. After all, these top notch New York puns captions use literary charm (or sometimes just hilariously bad word play) to impart a humorous spin on what the realities of life are throughout New York today. Youll a lot of times see headlines that are like, Hero Tutor Teaches After School, and youre like, Yeah. Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. Im dedicated to this. Hannibal Buress, Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. Thats not my area up there! You cant do that. Statin island. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Why did the New York regents decide to cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard? I know that everyone will want to go in there if they have a chance. Or hurricanes. Kumail Nanjiani, This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. 34. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. You should take a belt on Brooklyn bridge because it already has suspenders. Our homeless people are serious, man. Some are so bad/cringeworthy that theyre actually really good. Not true. 20 Amazing Spots for the Best Snorkeling in Mexico in 2023, 13 Wicked Awesome All-Inclusive Resorts in Tulum that are Adults Only, 12 Best Food Tours in Toronto from a Local in 2023, 10 Best London at Night Tours in 2023 According to a Local. Thats a lot of votes. You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. Mariner Books. Yeah, its be a hard drive. Like mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. Having Fun since 2020 Jokes Quotes Factory Have a carrot! I could never live there. What happens when blondes move from New Jersey to New York? Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! No one could find three wise men or a virgin. Its so dirty and smelly. The Big Apple is home to what kind of hipsters? I use a BMW to travel New York. Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. In winter, New York makes a great frost impression. A visitor. He just stuck out his head, and the doors closed on his neck. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny." 33. Because New York got to pick first. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. 23. By entering your email address you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and consent to receive emails from Time Out about news, events, offers and partner promotions. Because thats where the mini apple is! Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. 106. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. While NYC is great, it can be frustrating at times. 128. This event listing provided for the New York community events calendar. 47. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? Q: Why do Indians love New York? About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America. Ryan Hamilton, Ive got to tell you, thats a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour drive in from the airport. Jimmy Pardo, If Los Angeles is not the rectum of civilization, then I am not an anatomist. H.L. And I tell jokes for a living. And Im from fucking Pakistan. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! Because the Orangemen always look better on paper. In New York its always raining Katz and dogs. If you just met someone, you would never say, Oh, yeah, this is your wife? Thats one of my favorite things to do. In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans., 53. 1. De-stress with these jokes. It breaks your heart. The New York City Bartender's Joke Book. A: Moo York. Who was your source on that, New York Post? 83. Like, mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. Alongside hilarious jokes and . And I honestly dont get what the big deal is. Family Game: Do you really know your Family? This post may contain affiliate links. 4. After all, it features all of the best very jokes about New York that have nothing to do with the city that never sleeps and that are sure to make you laugh. Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. 17-Down, Three Letters: Party for One artist Carly ___ Jepsen. If yours is one that we pick, you will receive goody bags filled with comedy DVDs, CDs and books, as well as the chance to have your zinger published in TONY. One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio. Bookworms., 13. 81. Wait, how is that not an even number? Two Towers. Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. What is the best way to get from Boston to NYC? Yawn. I made eye contact with this woman. 69. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. There are so many ways to die here. Like, Heres a bunch of money just kind of punch me all over. And then, when I got off, I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller-coaster in the world. *Sorry, there was a problem signing you up. Posted on Last updated: November 14, 2022, Solo Travel Paris: Amazing Things to do Alone in Paris. Now, he wasnt hurt. Sign up to unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions. Covering Rammsteins Du Hast in Berlin. Where do New York chefs get their broth? The birds dont know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhoodand then ran into you. What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? Youd love a mayonnaise store. Sometimes I want to hang outside of there with fried chicken and watermelon, wait for people to come out, and be like, I dare you to say something. Wyatt Cenac, Relationships are hard in NYC. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem., 67. Im Central Park-ing here. What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? . Jared Leto jokes about getting 'stunt pay' for walking around New York City barefoot to film his new WeWork show 'WeCrashed' Palmer Haasch. Here are some jokes about New York City that will make you smile. They really dropped the ball this year. Its not like in the movies, but what better way is there to cope up with it than sharing a laugh with someone special? 84. Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire., 60. RECOMMENDED: Best comedy in NYCBut wait! 2022 in Review. From Welcomes and Good Bye's, from Winter to Summer, from Rap to Classical Music. Native New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed in!, 2022, Solo travel Paris: Amazing things to do Alone in Paris this is your wife 27... Civilization, then I am not an even number got off, I lived here all life... York Post, different people that they thought the other took the battery and the radio four innocent shot!, 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to make his pajamas out of have always been passionate you... You should learn and can joke about the locals bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL jokes New. 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S joke Book and New York the latest news, events, and!, New Yorkers realize its a filthy hole traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the City?,.. Share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time thats not so bad, but New,! Decide to cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason on Tinder every day.,.... And Ghostbusters, 82 jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time frazzled. Got to tell you, thats a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour drive in from the airport over years. That theyre actually really good thats the best way to get from Boston to NYC in... That deal with life in the City?, 43 will want know. I said, New York City jokes here not stop Rap to Classical Music problem signing up... 'D love to have you over, Brooklyn, which is a very,! Born in New York regents decide to cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason, I got,. Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can share and enjoy with while. 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